Joy and Sorrow

For over a week I have been trying to think of a blog post and I just come up blank.  In my mind I imagine that no one wants to hear another word about Pumpkin or Bubba. I know this to be untrue since some of my readers are friends and family trying to keep up with our lives.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record player.  However, I write this blog to help preserve memories.  Otherwise, I won't remember them at all. ( I have a terrible memory!)

January is just a kind of blah month to me.  I guess there is just some sort of let down after the holidays.  Ususally the weather attibutes to the winter blues, but we've had more spring like weather than winter cold, as of late.  Maybe its the memories that January holds for me.  Six years ago this week I got a phone call from my dad saying he had been to the doctor and he wanted to admit him to the hospital for some test.  I left work immediately and went with him to the hospital since my mom was still at school.  Within days we heard news that we never desired.  Daddy was ill.  Terminally ill.  I can remember the phone call from my mom saying they had bad news.  I was sitting in the ER just 2 floors below my dad with my baby sister who had a virus and was dehydrated.  Mom told me to call back after I got my sister situated and resting at home.  I was driving down the road, headed back to work when I called her.  She explained his diagonsis and then said "It's fatal."  I bawled my eyes out and headed for home.  I had to pull myself together.  I called the church office where I worked and let them know I wouldn't be coming in.

This past week we read the first half of Job.  Although Job suffered much loss and suffering, he still praised God.  Now I don't dare compare my sufferings to the sufferings of Job because they wouldn't stack up similar in any way.  But driving down the road that day, I had a moment.  Through the tears, God gave me a song, and I began to sing...

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say 'It is well, it is well, with my soul'." 

I had come to a point where I could say "You know what God, even though this is breaking my heart, and I want it to change, its ok.  You are still soveriegn and gracious.  I will continue to worship you no matter how this ends."  Peace in the midst of a storm is a sweet thing. It doesn't mean we don't hurt.  We just carry on.

Our choir sang a song this morning that talks about that very thing,  "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet".  This is a video of us singing it last spring.  I absolutely love this song.  I thought it was so appropriate since we have been studying Job this week.  The soloist in this song knows all to well about where joy and sorrow meet - she's experienced it.  Most of us have in some way. 



Where Joy and Sorrow Meet from Jimmy Payne on Vimeo.

Saying good bye to my dad just 6 months later wasn't easy.  Just 12 hours before he passed away, he told me he didn't think he was going to make it.  I suspected he was correct, but I honestly thought we had weeks not hours.  But in that moment I assured him it was ok.  Either way, it was a win/win situation.  There was no doubt, in his mind or ours, where he would spend eternity.  That's the JOY people!  While I miss him terribly still, I know where he is.  He wouldn't come back if he could. And the best part is I will see him again!

It may seem as though I just want to rehash my grief, but that is not the case.  I have said it before and will say it 100,000 times over again; I don't know why I have walked through some things in my life, but there is a purpose.  Now, I may never know or fully understand why.  But maybe it was just so I could minster to someone else who is walking that road. Maybe it was to teach me something, or to bring glory to Him.  No matter what, I know without a doubt, its all in God's hands and ultimately best for me. 


(To you know who - I promise an update on the kids later this week!)